Friday, 6 February 2015

“Suicidal: The aftermath of the Light Being experience” 1/4

These next four posts are to be read as a sequence.  These are the experiences of Deborah that she has kindly shared with us.  I'm sure you'll find it very touching, as I did when I first read what she wrote.

If you haven't read Deborah's Light Being experience yet, please go there now.  Unless you have read this, these next four stories won't hold as much depth of meaning.  Thank you...  Ramallah

“Suicidal: The aftermath of the Light Being experience”

I decided to end my life.

After the Light Being experience, I felt bewildered and lost. I returned to university to try and find some focus, some purpose.

I felt I was being attacked on every level of my conscious and subconscious being. I really cannot go into all the details but it was an external and internal attack. Negative judgements came from friends and family externally about my experience and about the fact that just prior to seeing the Light Being, I had become vegan.

All the trauma of my childhood was reawakened. I suffered flashbacks of a brutal, psychotic and alcoholic 'father' who we fled from when I was aged 13. I began to relive the feelings, the fear, the horror, the hopelessness. As I began to fall into the darkness of those feelings, my friends and family likely had their suspicions about my sanity confirmed. “Yes.” I was 'mad'. I was an abused child.

I began to question my experience of the Light Being. 

During this time, I struggled to protect my son from what I was going through but he was having strange experiences too! He told me about a "flashing ball of colours" he kept seeing spinning around his head. It got to the point where he'd suddenly shout "Mum, i’ve just seen it again!"

We both had the same dream of the same two people - two women I had dreamed of many years before, but when he described them to me, my blood went cold. It was just TOO much to cope with!!! I started to feel angry, picked on, tormented even, and yes, persecuted. But there was no escape from it. 

A friend came over - one of the very FEW, who had faith in me and who accepted my experience without question - although clearly, she did not understand or personally connect with it. She was very distressed to see how depressed and miserable I had become. I just cried and cried when she came to visit and when David came home from school, we would go to her house for tea...

My friend Sam was in her kitchen making sandwiches and drinks. Myself and David were sitting on the floor in the sitting room, in front of the TV. David was watching TV and I was sitting behind him. 

Suddenly, it was as if the whole room tilted to one side and everything went completely dark. It happened for just a split second, but long enough to notice. To my alarm, David immediately turned round and exclaimed: "Did you see THAT?"

Feeling deeply disturbed that this wasn't just something in my head, I said "What?"

David said, "Everything went slanty and turned black!"

I was shocked and said "You saw it too?"
We shouted to Sam, but she had not noticed anything!

One other day I sat with my son in a pizza bar. He was telling me he'd seen the coloured ball again. He described it as spinning very fast and having shards of multi-coloured lights flashing in and out of it. He asked me "What do you think it is Mum?"

I told him, "I think whatever it is, it must be true."

He seemed satisfied with that response. I really did not know what else to say.

Anyway, his dad got a new girlfriend who moved in with her two teenage sons and suddenly, David was wanting to spend more time with his Dad. 

I could feel him slipping away…

There was nothing I could do.

I was feeling he was unsafe with me, and that somehow, these 'things' were affecting him too.

In the end and with a broken heart, I agreed to let him go and live with his Dad.

I was devastated.

It was like the sunshine had left my life. 

I was in grief and felt robbed because I was no longer the same person. I was no longer the Mum he'd always known and loved. I was this strange, different person trying to cope with all these strange experiences.

Ultimately, it reached the point where I decided that the Light being must have showed itself to me because I am THE most evil person on earth - that I was doomed to go to hell and that there was nothing good I could do because I was just evil.

I was so horrified at this 'revelation' I thought also that my son would be better off without me. If I was doomed to hell and probably take even more souls with me, then I might as well just go to hell right away before I inflicted anymore evil on life.

I had these sorts of thoughts around nine months after I had the Light Being experience. I felt so alone with it - like half of me was not real. I had to 'hide' myself. Nothing felt 'right'. ** 

I decided to take my own life. I would do it the next day.


  1. Have you ever felt as if you were already dead but did not know it?

    1. Yes. That's a very bad feeling indeed Lane Vanish. You ok hun?

    2. I felt dead for a decade. It might be something to do with the Saturn return (to the same position at the time of your birth) which takes place every 29.5 years approx. I spent my 30s on my knees, emotionally. I had to unravel ALL of my family garbage and all the gunk that was sitting inside me. It was a difficult decade. But then the sun shone again : ) There IS a completion and finalisation to those feelings. But they're there to MAKE you go look for what's wrong. Natural cycle. Then you can free yourself from the old bondages : ) Then you're free ~ and ALIVE again : )